Live Through This And You Won't Look Back
by sarahbell86
Summary: "I chose to feel it and you couldn't choose. I'll write you a postcard, I'll send you the news, from the house down the road, from real love."


**Title: ** Live Through This (And You Won't Look Back) (1/1)

**Author: ** sarahbell86

**Fandom: ** General Hospital

**Characters/Pairing: ** Ethan Lovett/Kristina Davis

**Rating: ** PG-13

**Genre: ** Angst

**Word Count: ** 1456

**Warnings: ** Spoilers for upcoming cast changes?

**Summary: ** "I chose to feel it and you couldn't choose. I'll write you a postcard, I'll send you the news, from the house down the road, from real love."

**Notes: ** Heartbroken over Lexi's firing, this was the result. While I continue to support GH and the future of Ethina, this is sort of my goodbye to Lexi's Kristina and specifically Ethina 1.0. The title and summary come from one of my favorite songs of all time, "Your Ex-Lover Is Dead"by Stars.

**Live Through This (And You Won't Look Back)**

_There's one thing I want to say, so I'll be brave_

_You were what I wanted, I gave what I gave_

_I'm not sorry I met you_

_I'm not sorry it's over_

_I'm not sorry there's nothing to say_

You've said all of your goodbyes. All except one. The hardest one. The one you've been dreading the most, if only because you're afraid he'll be as apathetic to your leaving as he'd been to everything else you've thrown at him in the last year. But this is it. You're finally doing what everyone else wants you to do. You're saying goodbye to Port Charles. Saying goodbye to _him_.

It's unseasonably warm, and the docks are just cool enough thanks to the ocean breeze. You smooth out an invisible wrinkle from your pale green skirt as you sit. You sent the text message, but you're honestly not sure if he'll show up. After everything, one more disappointment would be a fitting end to this. You briefly consider leaving - you have packing to do, after all - when you hear his familiar footballs. Immediately, your stomach tightens into knots and you heart catches in your throat. You'll never understand how he can so easily ignore what's between you, but you push that thought to the back of your mind. That's not why you're here. The days of trying to make the con man love you are over.

"I thought you'd be halfway to New Haven by now."he says, and the simple sound of his voice does things to you that you wish you could ignore.

"I leave in the morning."you reply, and he nods. "I couldn't leave without saying goodbye."

"I'll miss you, Krissy."You want to jump at his words, tell him that he doesn't have to miss you, because one more word from him and you would stay in Port Charles forever. But no, those days are done and this is something you have to do for yourself, because you have to know that there's some part of you left outside of your past and your feelings for Ethan. The true Kristina Davis that you lost somewhere along the way. You're so lost in your own thoughts that you barely react when he sits on the bench beside you. You impulsively decide to indulge yourself one last time and rest your head on his shoulder. You're surprised when his arm slides behind you, wrapping around your shoulders. It's the closest that you've been in a long time. It's almost funny, in a completely heartbreaking way. You're not sure how long you sit there, but the stars are out by the time you speak again

"I should go."you say, leaving the warmth and safety of his arms.

"Okay."Ethan replies, pushing off of the bench to stand beside you. "You'll keep in touch? Let me know how life is in the Ivy League?"

"No."you say simply. It's one of the hardest things you've ever said, and he looks genuinely shocked at your response.

"What does that mean?"

"Ethan..."you begin, but all of your pre-planned speech seems to fall flat now. "I can't do this anymore."

"Do what?"

"Pretend that how much I love you is enough for the both of us. I'm so tired. I know you love me, but for some reason you're scared. Maybe you're scared of my father, maybe you're scared of what people will think because I'm younger than you. But mostly, I think you're scared because you know how great we would have been together. I don't know. But, you win, I give up. I'm going to Yale because it's what my parents want me to do. But I'm also going because this hurts too much. It hurts to get so close to you - closer than I've ever been to anyone - only for you to pull away whenever anyone points out our connection. It hurts to know you're too worried about what everyone else will think rather than what's in your heart."

"Kristina..."he begins, but you're sick of hearing the same denials over and over again, so you hold out a hand to stop him.

"I can't, Ethan. Just please let me finish and I promise this will be the last time you have hear about my 'poor, pathetic crush'on you. I _know_ it's not one-sided. I _know_ you care about me as more than a friend. But, you can't or won't admit it and that's your loss. This, what we had, was real. It was real love."

You'd laid it all out there for him before, but not like this. You feel panic rise inside of you, especially when you register the incredulous look on his face.

"Goodbye, Ethan."

Despite yourself, as you walk away a part of you hopes that he will chase after you, beg you to stay. But, he doesn't, and you wipe away the lone tear that escapes you as you finally begin to let him go.

The next morning, you're at the train station, rolling your eyes as your father seems to strong arm the perfectly nice first class steward who takes your bags. You hug your mom and sisters, knowing that leaving them will be the hardest part of this. Molly clings to you tightly, but a gasp of surprise has her letting go of you with a giant smile on her face.

"Kristina."You turn around to face the familiar voice, and he looks surprisingly contrite, his hands in his pockets as he stares down at the ground. You see your father move toward Ethan and you instinctively reach out, grabbing Ethan by the forearm and pulling him away from the small crowd.

"What are you doing here?"you ask, and watch as Ethan sighs and runs his hand through his hair, a sure sign that he's nervous.

"I couldn't leave things like that between us."he finally says, and you want to throw your hands in the air in frustration.

"How do you want to leave things? Because I'm getting really tired of you and your mixed signals."

You're surprised when he grabs you by the waist, closing the distance between you as his other hand cradles your neck. You vaguely register the fact that your parents and sisters are only a few feet away, but even that fades away, because finally - _finally_ - Ethan Lovett is kissing you. It's everything you thought it would be and more, and your knees go weak at the gentleness behind the action. He pulls away far too soon and you have to fight the urge to reach for him again. You love this, love _him_, but even you realize that this was a goodbye kiss.

"Thank you."you whisper, and a knowing smile appears on his face.

"I've never met anyone like you, Kristina Davis."he says, tucking a stray strand of hair behind her ear.

"I'm not sorry any of this happened, anything in my past. All of the bad things, they brought me to you. You saved me, Ethan. This may be the end, but it's also a beginning. And I never would have been able to do this if I'd never met you."It's only then that you gesture down to your hands, where you're clutching your boarding pass. He looks confused, until he finds the words _Penn Station - New York City_ under 'destination'instead of _New Haven, Connecticut_. You shift your fingers, and a plane ticket appears from underneath the train ticket, _LaGuardia to London Heathrow_ emblazoned on it.

"I'm off to have my own adventure."you say, and he smiles. He leans in close, until your foreheads are touching. You close your eyes and savor the feeling of being this close to him, possibly for the last time.

"I'm proud of you, Krissy. And who knows? It's been a while since I've been to Europe. Maybe I'll see you around."

"Maybe."you reply, pulling away. "Goodbye."You pull him in for one last hug before moving back toward the train and your family.

Stepping away from him now is a thousand times harder than it was last night. But this is it, your very own declaration of independence. You're leaving behind all the baggage of your past and start anew. The one thing you'll never regret is meeting Ethan Lovett, but this part of your life is over and you have to leave him in the past too - at least for now. You hug your family one last time, praying that they'll forgive you for your deception. One final look behind you as you board the train and Ethan is still here, a look of pride on his face. In this moment, you know you've made the right decision, and as the train pulls out of the station, you can feel the threads tying you to your past slipping away one by one.

You feel nothing but free.


End file.
